Letting Go of the Inner Critic

Many of you may have come across the idea of Self-Compassion and its importance in nurturing a healthy mind. It’s a concept that has been championed by Kristin Neff, a leading author in this field, and her colleague Chris Germer, who skillfully weaves Self-Compassion with Mindfulness in his work. These ideas resonate deeply with the integrative approach I take at Counselling with Rich, where Eastern philosophies like mindfulness and self-compassion meet the Western traditions of person-centred counselling to offer a truly holistic path to healing.

In essence, Self-Compassion is about being kinder and more understanding towards ourselves. Yet, for many of us, particularly in Western cultures, our inner dialogue often leans towards harshness and criticism. We berate ourselves for making mistakes, not working hard enough, or simply for not being "good enough." This negative self-talk can become so habitual and ingrained that it feels like background noise—unnoticed but constantly there. For some clients I’ve worked with in North Dorset, this critical inner voice has become their default setting, shaping how they see themselves and the world.

But where does this inner critic come from?

For many, it’s an echo of a past relationship—perhaps with a parent, teacher, or another key figure. Growing up with criticism can teach us to pre-empt it by turning it inward, almost as a defence mechanism. By criticizing ourselves first, we feel we’re softening the blow of external judgment. Over time, this self-critical voice becomes automatic, mirroring the tone and words of the original critic -even if that person is no longer part of our lives.

Here’s the paradox: the inner critic, harsh as it may be, often has good intentions. It believes it’s protecting us - motivating us to avoid mistakes or pushing us to achieve more. It acts like an overzealous coach or drill sergeant, convinced that its tough love is necessary for success. While this approach might help us accomplish a task or avoid short-term embarrassment, it often leaves us feeling depleted, disconnected, and unsure of our own worth.

So how can we work with the inner critic? This is where Wise Effort, a principle rooted in Buddhist teachings, can help bridge East and West.

In an earlier blog, I introduced the Four Great Efforts, practical steps to cultivate healthier states of mind:

1. Encourage positive states of mind to arise.

2. Sustain positive states of mind once they are present.

3. Discourage negative states of mind from arising.

4. Let go of negative states of mind when they appear.

When it comes to the inner critic, awareness is key. The first step is simply noticing its voice when it arises. Once we recognize it as an unhealthy state of mind, we can gently let it go. A helpful practice is to acknowledge the inner critic directly, perhaps saying:"I know you’re trying to protect me and help me succeed, but your criticism is actually making me feel worse, not better. Thank you, but I don’t need this right now. Please step aside."

This compassionate response allows the inner critic to retreat, creating space for something much more constructive: self-kindness and encouragement. Imagine inviting a sense of warmth and Loving Kindness into your inner dialogue, almost like retraining the inner critic to take on a gentler, more supportive role.

This approach aligns beautifully with the person-centred counselling framework I use, which holds that each individual has the innate capacity for growth and self-healing. By combining this with Eastern concepts like mindfulness and self-compassion, clients can learn to notice and soften the voice of their inner critic, creating a more nurturing relationship with themselves.

Practicing Wise Effort means staying vigilant, observing your thoughts mindfully, and choosing how to respond. When the inner critic appears, let go of its influence, and actively encourage positive states of mind to take its place. This East-meets-West approach blends the compassionate understanding of person-centred counselling with the structured, mindful practices of Buddhist philosophy.

In my next blog, I’ll explore how we can deepen this practice using the Brahma Viharas—or “Heavenly Abodes” to actively cultivate and sustain positive states of mind. These practices provide powerful tools to warm up our inner dialogue and help us live with greater ease and self-acceptance.